When I first learned that my son was addicted to drugs, if I wasn't crying or in my bed, I was on the computer looking for answers. I was looking for anything that would explain my son's behavior and how I could save him. I was so pre-occupied with saving my son, that I was slowly losing myself.
When the depression set in, I would go from my bed to the living room couch to the family room couch, round and round for hours and days. I couldn't control my pain, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything but saving my son from his addiction, and eventually, I became addicted to saving my son from his destructive lifestyle, therefore, he became my drug of choice.
I remember one day, as I was doing my rounds from my bed to my couches, feeling that I should stand naked and admit to anyone who knew me that my life was a lie. When I realized my life was a lie, I also realized that I had a secret and you don't share these issues with just anyone. "Oh my God! What am I going to do?" The tears, the gut wrenching pain was unbearable. "What the hell am I going to do now?"
It took me a long time to start to figure out that piece of the puzzle because if I reached out for help, people would know the truth about my son. If I continued to keep my secret, I would stay stuck on my emotional roller coaster ride in hell; I wasn't sure which was the lesser of the two evils.
I learned the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things that I cannot change;
courage to change the things that I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."